For some time I have wanted to start this blog. More as a way to express myself and to connect with other mothers that can relate to facing daily the challenge of leaving our kids in the care of someone else. Whether that be our spouse, a babysitter, a parent....the action of walking out the door each morning, afternoon, or whatever shift you work takes strength, willpower, and a dependence on someone else to care for what matters most in the world to us. My husband and I faced infertility-unexplained. What does that mean? There is no real explanation of why you cannot get pregnant, but you cannot! It is something that I found was very isolating, at first. You feel like something is wrong with you. As a woman, the very thought that you cannot bear children is unimagineable. I never thought about this is my young 20's when I was first married. I assumed when my husband and I were ready to have children, it would happen. When years started passing and we were not pregnant, I finally found an amazing doctor who directed us to a specialist. Ultimately, we had two failed insemination attempts before conceiving our daughter on our third attempt. The first two attempts were more than devastating, to say the least. But seeing that beautiful face when she was born, was totally worth all the years of pain and tears. When we tried to have another child, we had 5 failed insemination attempts before our doctor said our best option would be to try in vitro fertilation. Just hearing that term made me scared because it seemed so invasive and not something I ever thought I would try. But knowing that the result could be a wonderful baby, we moved forward. We count our blessings every day because the in vitro attempt worked on our first try and we were pregnant with a baby boy. When I look at my children as I put them to bed, I realize the awesome power of our one and only Savior, who entrusted us with these two beautiful children.
After the birth of our daughter, I loved staying home with her. But the reality that I would not be at stay at home mom really stung. We had a wonderful sitter for her to go to but still I was not able to be with her myself. I went through months of depression and through the help of some awesome friends at work, my supportive husband, and lots of prayers, I made it through it. But for many months I was spiraling downward, not reacting to things in a rationale manner because I missed my daughter so much it would take the breath out of me. After my son was born, it did seem easier because I knew the feelings to expect. And my husband was also able to be off during that time, which I think eased the adjustment. However, I do not think as a mother, for me, it ever gets to be totally ok that I leave my children each morning to go to work. I always wanted to work before having children so the path I chose was one that would lead to that. And not that there is anything wrong if you do leave your children and work outside the home or you stay at home. It is just for me a continuous daily struggle. One that can sometimes haunt me.
